Infertility Pet Peeves

I once saw this from someone else's blog and thought this was great...so here it goes!

1. You have some catching up to do. A woman struck up a conversation with me at a party with the all-time favorite question "Do you have children?" When I said no, I got the follow-up question "How long have you been married?" When I said 10 years, she looked dumbfounded. Then she said, "Well, you have some catching up to do." Yep, you're right. Would you like to pay for my next IVF cycle?

2. Others' family planning. I have a friend who told me "I'm going to get pregnant in the next month or two so I can have the baby before our trip to Disney World next year." Oh. How nice you can plan it like that. And, it actually WORKED.

3. Look on the bright side. Don't you just hate people who say this? Not just for infertility, for anything. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. Instead of being Little Miss Sunshine, why don't you just stick it where the sun don't shine?

4. Everything happens for a reason. Also known as "whatever is meant to be will be." If there is one thing I have learned, it is that most everything does not happen for a reason. I believe that bad stuff happens to good people for no good reason at all. I believe that there is no good reason for our infertility troubles. It is our responsibility to deal with these challenges and we're learning a lot in the process, but I don't believe it is for any particular reason. And I refuse to surrender to "whatever is meant to be" when I can fight as hard as I can to make my dream become my reality.

5. Backhanded compliments. "You're house is so clean! It must be easy since you don't have kids." Or "You're so skinny…but you haven't had kids yet." Thanks ... wait a minute ... are you implying that if I had kids I would be a fat slob?

6. You should adopt. This might seem like the most obvious solution in the world; however, adoption is a very complex, individual decision. Most people don't just wake up and say "Adoption! Why didn't I think of that? Let's go adopt today." I guarantee that every person who has experienced infertility has thought about adoption, but it's not the right answer for everyone. Nor is it easy. I have had several friends who have had wonderful experiences with adoption. I have also had friends who have bonded with a baby when the birth mother changes her mind and takes the baby back. I've had friends spend nearly $100,000 in adoption costs. Trust me, it's complicated. There is no cookie-cutter solution for infertility.

7. Quit your job and you'll get pregnant. Maybe this would work, but I don't have the luxury to find out. I've got to pay for those fertility treatments so I don't really have a choice, do I? And then there's the time someone told me to get pregnant so I could quit my stressful job.

8. I know how you feel. If you are going to say this, you had darn well better know how I feel. When someone truly does, it is incredibly validating and comforting. When someone doesn't, it's just insulting. If you have not been through a gamut of painful medical tests that violate your privacy, or experienced weight gain, hair loss, acne, or mood swings because of fertility drugs, if you have not had to give yourself daily shots in the stomach, if you have not drained your bank account to pay for treatments that don't work, if you have not put your life on hold for years waiting for something to happen, then you cannot possibly know how I feel.

9. God has a plan for you. This statement is back-loaded and complex. I was raised in a very religious home, so it makes me feel disloyal to argue with this. But what about my plans for me? Aren't they important?

10. Just relax, and it will happen. Also known as "be positive!" I cannot express enough loathing for these comments. For the record, we did try this—the whole first year we tried to conceive. At that time, I wasn't worried because I was certain we would get pregnant, and we were three years younger then, so our chances would have been better. However, you can help me feel a little more positive if you come closer so I can kick you in the shins.